


Still Here

by Annie_Eliza



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Illness, Memory Loss, Terminal Illnesses, Tragedy, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-04 00:57:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5314010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annie_Eliza/pseuds/Annie_Eliza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Justin should have caught on sooner. Like when Brian had forgotten his storyboards at home or blanked out when it came to the name of an object. But he didn't. Even though he should know better, he wonders if catching on more quickly would have made much of a difference in his partner's fate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still Here

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very tragic story. It is not a death!fic but it is upsetting. You have been warned. I also want to thank Alois for the inspiration. You are wonderful. :)

The week before Brian’s 39th birthday is when Justin _should have_ caught onto something being wrong.

 

It wasn’t a big deal so he didn’t make it one. Brian had forgotten several things on the grocery list that Justin had written for him and, when he came back from the store, Justin had asked why Brian hadn’t gotten the milk or the eggs or the chicken or the arugula. Brian had looked at him, a little confused, before shrugging and saying that he forgot. When Justin asked him if he had looked at the list, Brian had just said that he had been in a rush and forgot about the list too. 

 

Justin had just chalked it up to Brian not getting enough sleep due to Evan being sick and miserable with a cold plus working hard to keep the New York expansion of Kinnetik as successful as ever. They had ordered take-out and nothing else was out of the ordinary that day. Brian rocked their son to sleep and put him in his crib before he came back into the the living room so that they could watch a movie together. That had been their intention, at least. About part way through, they ended up fucking right there on the couch before carrying the show to the bedroom. 

 

A few days later, the incident was all but forgotten about. It hadn’t entered his head until a month later when Brian had forgotten the word highlighter.

 

“I need to narrow all of this down,” Brian had said, standing over a stack of papers at the island counter in the kitchen, “Can you get...get that...shit, Justin. The marker that’s yellow and you can see the writing through.”

 

Justin had squinted at him in confusion before slowly guessing, “A highlighter?”

 

The fact that Brian had to think about it for a few seconds before nodding should have worried him more. But, again, Justin had brushed off the hint of nerves Brian’s moment of forgetfulness brought on. He just went to get the highlighter and came back to put his arms around Brian’s waist.

 

“Working too much makes you forgetful. Your age is starting to show,” Justin had murmured teasingly as he kissed his shoulder.

 

“I’m not old,” Brian scoffed, “I have another year before I’m old.”

 

“Eleven months,” Justin corrected, “I’m glad you have redefined when old is though. I was worried about the crisis I thought I was doomed to have once I turn thirty.”

 

“Just stay away from scarves,” Brian mumbled for god knows what reason before he turned around, “Are you going to let me work?”

 

Justin had put his arms around Brian’s neck and playfully bit his chin, “What if I don’t?”

 

Justin bit back the gasp as Brian slapped his ass. 

 

“Behave yourself,” Brian had said huskily into his ear, “You know what happens to twinks who don’t.”

 

“I’m 27 and a father. I’m not a twink anymore,” Justin groaned as Brian got on his knees and unzipped his pants. Brian had just rolled his eyes as if he were _cute_.

 

“You’re so fucking hard, Sunshine,” Brian had said when he pulled Justin’s cock out.

 

It wasn’t every day that Brian got down on his knees and sucked him off so that had taken Justin’s mind off of things for a while. He wishes it hadn’t but it did.

 

It had just been occasional things at first. Forgetting to get something at the store or leaving paperwork at the office. Seldomly forgetting what word he had meant to use. Those were things that Justin was guilty of too every once in awhile. That came with life. But then those things started becoming more frequent for Brian and new idiosyncrasies were added on, like taking a lot longer to do things for his job or forgetting the storyboards he needed for a meeting, which would result in Brian calling stressed to all hell and Justin hopping on the train with Evan strapped to his chest to run them out to him. It was enough to where Justin couldn’t just brush off the worry and concern anymore. But, when Justin brought his concerns up to Brian late one night after they were both in bed, Brian had been convinced that it was just because he was still trying to get used to life up here. New York was hectic and having a baby was even more so. Brian had kissed him, convinced him everything was fine, and took Justin in his arms so they could fall asleep holding each other.

 

Then, a couple of months later, Brian had forgotten a meeting altogether. And it wasn’t that he had just forgotten it. It was the way he reacted when he realized that he had. He had been angry at himself and upset, but usually that resulted in harsh words thrown at Justin or Brian throwing something at the wall. But Brian had cried. Fucking cried. Over missing an early morning meeting that was ultimately taken care of by Cynthia. It hadn’t been that big of a deal. Apparently it was to Brian and Justin got that but Brian wasn’t a crier and, when Justin sat down next to him and put an arm around him, asked him what he was crying about, told him that it would be okay, Brian had covered his face and shrugged but kept crying. 

 

“What is going on with you?” Justin had asked him, “You’re really scaring me right now.”

 

“F-Fuck if I k-know,” Brian had told him.

 

And the fact that Brian didn’t seem to know why he was so upset had scared him more. So Justin had gotten on his knees in front of him and tried to get Brian to look at him.

 

“Why are you crying?”

 

Brian wiped his face and looked so confused for a second, before letting his expression become blank.

 

“I’ve been a little worried, Brian,” Justin had admitted to him, “You seem like you have been more stressed lately. You’re getting forgetful. You seem a little depressed sometimes. You tend to get upset over relatively small things. Is there something going on that you aren’t telling me? Something that has you upset? Are you homesic-”

 

“It’s just stress from work,” Brian interrupted, standing up, “I’m always fucking tired.”

 

Justin nodded as he got up, “Maybe it would be good for you to take a couple of weeks off. You’ve been working hard. It’s okay if you need a break.”

 

“I don’t need a break,” Brian growled as he walked away from him.

 

“You could spend time with me and Evan,” Justin told him, “Maybe we can go up and see Gus. I know you’ve been missing him.”

 

Brian sighed, “What about your paintings?”

 

Justin came over to him and put his arms around his neck, “They’ll be here when we get back. Gus is more important. _You’re_ more important.”

 

Brian had looked at Justin for several seconds before slowly nodding and giving in, “Okay. I will move things around so I can get next week off. I don’t think I can swing two but maybe I need at least one.”

 

Justin smiled a little before bringing him in for a chaste kiss. 

 

“You don’t have any more meetings for today, right?”

 

“I would say no, but apparently I forgot the one from this morning,” Brian muttered as he ran a hand through his hair. 

 

“I’m going to call and check with Cynthia. If you don’t then I’m telling her that you aren’t feeling good and that you’re going to stay home today.”

 

“Didn’t know that my partner was a liar,” Brian had commented.

 

“I’m not lying,” Justin had told him pointedly, “You’re staying home with me and the baby, alright?”

 

Justin had felt relief when Brian ended up agreeing. After Brian’s almost inexplicable breakdown, Justin felt a strong need to keep him in his sights for the rest of the day. But the relief he had felt turned to concern once more when Justin went into the other room and called Cynthia. He could tell right off the bat that Cynthia was worried. 

 

“There are days where he is so scatterbrained,” Cynthia had said, “He’s still great at what he does but it takes him longer to figure out what he wants on different campaigns. Maybe try to get him to take a little more time off. He seems so stressed out.”

 

Justin had tried to swallow down the questions he wanted to ask, the queasiness and unsurety he felt in the pit of his stomach, before going back into the living room to be with his partner and son. It was a little harder to ignore the feelings this time around. This was the point where Justin should have realized that Brian needed to see a doctor. But when he saw Brian bouncing their 14 month old son on his knees, making the little boy giggle with joy, he felt warmness fill his heart and tried to tell himself that Brian just needed a break from work and the city. That he needed to spend time with his family and he would start feeling better. 

 

Brian had been in better spirits after the trip and the elevation in his mood seemed to help a bit, at least for a while. But soon enough, the incidents continued. Then they became more frequent. Brian’s mood was up and down and it was harder for the man to say that he was acting the way that he was due to stress. Brian would look more and more unsure about what was going on. Justin had been stupid. He thought Brian had depression. He had looked up how major depression can hinder memory and make someone careless and forgetful. Brian had been emotional and sometimes completely emotionless. He certainly had been forgetful. It made sense. And, in a way, Justin was right. Brian had even admitted that he thought Justin was right.

 

“Maybe we can look a psychologist up online. Someone who has a good rating. I’ll help you find someone really good,” Justin had told him as Brian laid his head on Justin’s chest.

 

“I don’t know. Maybe,” Brian whispered, “I want to try to take care of it myself.” 

 

Justin sighed and ran his fingers through the older man’s hair, “...Brian, it’s been going on for several months. It doesn’t look like it’s something you will get over by yourself.”

 

So Brian had given in, said he would find a therapist on his own, and started seeing them once a week. And, maybe Justin was expecting results to pop up too quickly, but he wasn’t noticing much of a difference. Brian kept forgetting where he put things and the words for things. 

 

It wasn’t until Gus had visited when Justin thought that Brian might have something more serious going on. 

 

Brian had taken his son out for lunch so they could spend time together then came back without him. 

 

“Where’s Gus?” Justin had asked him, looking around the room to see if he just missed him come in.

 

Brian had gone pale and had immediately run out the door. Justin wanted to stay on his heels but he had just given Evan a bath and he wasn’t even dressed yet so he called Brian compulsively until he realized that Brian’s phone was vibrating in the kitchen. Of course it was. 

 

Justin’s heart finally slowed down a little when Brian came back with a pissed off ten year old in tow.

 

“You just left me there!” Gus had yelled as he kicked off his shoes, “Why would you do that?”

 

Brian closed his eyes and looked fucking sick, “...I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

 

“I told you I was going to the bathroom!”

 

“I remember that now,” Brian said to his son, his hands shaking profusely.

 

“Gus,” Justin said to the boy, quickly and softly, “Why don’t you head to your room? Your dad’s really sorry. He didn’t mean to leave you. You know he would never do that on purpose.”

 

Gus looked up at Justin before he finally nodded and Justin could tell that even Gus was worried.

 

Once Justin hears Gus’s door close, he puts Evan in his play yard before walking over to Brian. 

 

“There’s something wrong,” Justin had told him, “That isn’t you, Brian. The things you have been doing...it’s not you. As soon as Gus leaves on Sunday, we’re going to the emergency room. Therapy hasn’t helped, the psychiatrist hasn’t helped, the anti-depressants have only helped slightly with your mood swings. I’ve become scared out of my fucking mind over this. I keep trying to come up with excuses but I’ve got nothing anymore.”

 

Brian had tried to blink the tears out of his eyes and had desperately choked out, “I’m just _stressed_ -”

 

“No, you’re not. We need to get down to the bottom of this. So we can try to fix it. Okay?”

 

Justin had wrapped his arms around Brian and held him while the man sniffled and muttered, “I’m so _stupid_. So fucking dumb.” Justin just rubbed his back and assured him that he wasn’t, that he never could be. That Brian was the smartest man he knew.

 

Gus was over Brian’s mistake by the time Sunday came. The kid was perceptive. He had just given both of them long, tight hugs before kissing his little brother on the forehead then left for his flight. After Gus had left, Justin had taken Brian’s hand, gave him a sad but encouraging smile, then led him outside to catch a taxi. He told the driver the address to the hospital closest to their penthouse and met Cynthia outside to hand Evan over.

 

“I’m going inside,” Brian had said quietly as he went through the emergency room doors, probably not being able to stand the concern Cynthia was radiating in waves.

 

“I don’t know how long we’ll be there,” Justin told her, “You are free to spend the night if we end up staying for hours and don’t get back until late.”

 

“Okay. I’m...I’m glad he agreed to get checked out. I’ve been worried about him. Just last week he had trouble with forgetting who he was supposed to call for a phone conference that morning. I had to tell him and remind him what company they represented.”

 

Justin bit his lip before running a hand down his face, “Fuck, Cynthia-”

 

“I know it’s frightening. But Brian is still young. He’s still smart and capable. He doesn’t seem to feel sick. There has to be a reasonable explanation. This is just a step to figuring it out so that he can get better.”

 

Justin breathed out through his nose and nodded before giving her a compulsive hug.

 

“Call me if anything happens,” Justin told her. 

 

“Same goes for you.”

 

He kissed his son one more time then parted ways with Cynthia and Evan before going inside to join his partner. 

 

They had waited for hours. Justin had held Brian’s hand has he had laid there, sleepy on the gurney. They ordered CAT Scans and then had them wait longer for an MRI. It was past 10 o'clock when a doctor had finally come in with a serious look on his face, telling them that he felt it were best that Brian saw a specialist. Someone who could properly diagnose his scans. When Justin asked why he couldn’t just do that, the doctor had said that he didn’t feel confident since his knowledge was limited on the matter. He didn’t want to give them the wrong information but he could see that there was something going on in Brian’s brain and that the scans were concerning. So he gave them a reference. Someone who knew what they were fucking talking about.

 

They had left the hospital, neither of them feeling any better, and just walked home. Brian had stayed silent, most likely in distress over not only not getting a solution to his problem but also due to the look of grim concern on the doctor’s face. That was the reason Justin’s pulse was fast and his throat was tight and dry. But they hadn’t done anything differently once they got home. Justin quietly told Cynthia that they had to make an appointment with a specialist while Brian just went in the other room. After Justin had seen Cynthia out, he went down the hallway to find his partner. He had figured Brian would be in the bathroom or maybe down enough to go straight to bed but, when he peeked into their son’s room, he just found Brian standing over Evan’s crib, stroking the boy’s face with a soft expression on his own. Justin had just stood there and watched him for several minutes before coming over to stand behind him. 

 

“He’s beautiful, isn’t he?” Justin had whispered.

 

“He looks just like you,” Brian murmured, “What did you expect?”

 

“True,” Justin teased.

 

Brian stood there silently for a few seconds before clearing his throat, “I want to be able to watch him grow up.”

 

Justin frowned and turned him around, “You _will_. Brian, we don’t know anything yet. Just don’t jump to conclusions, okay?”

 

“Sunshine, you saw that guy’s face when he talked about the scans-”

 

But Justin put a finger to Brian’s lips, “Not yet. We’re going to call to make an appointment first thing in the morning, wait however long it will be until the Neurologist sees you, and we’ll go from there. Right now, we are just going to try to be happy and live our lives. Alright?”

 

Brian gave him a look of pity but didn’t argue, “Alright. We’ll do it your way.”

 

Justin gave him a small smile before he led his partner to bed. They made love before kissing each other goodnight and slept relatively soundly, despite the circumstances. And in the morning, they made the appointment. Doctor Bernstein hadn't been able to fit Brian in that week but got him in the following Tuesday. They only had to get through eight days. Eight days and they would figure it out. 

 

Justin thought the wait had been rather uneventful until he got a call from the New York City Police Department five days later.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to be two chapters but will end up being longer. I think too much and make up too many scenarios. But you will find out what is wrong with Brian.


End file.
